Friday, October 30, 2009

I Could Never Love You...

Like Neruda. When I die
I want to feel
your hot tears falling
on my body - impassioned
like your sweat
was some time ago.

When I die
I want to hear your crying
to see your eyes puff red
from holding onto the tears.

My love, I want you to be
miserable
without me, to mourn
my death for years until
you finally join me, here,
in our marriage bed
beneath the cold
cold earth.

Bruno - I could never love you like Neruda.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Neruda

If only I could write like this.

Love Sonnet #89 By Pablo Neruda

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.



I don't think I've ever read a poem more absolutely beautiful.

Someday? If only.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Censorship

Clothing censors your body -
I'm afraid of the mystery.

Your deceptive eyes censor your soul -


OooOOo! I've been dwelling on the thought of censorship today after looking at a rather disturbing drawing of a famliy without faces, only black veils where faces should be.

Your eyes veil your soul? Censor? Ahh I'm just playing with words at the moment. It's fun.

Sometimes my writing feels forced - and sometimes it flows freely. I always get really nervous right before I depart off into my 'zone', my 'place'. Sometimes I wish I could live there... and never ever come out.

The hum drum of everyday censors me -

I'm proud that I've been carrying my notebook with me wherever I go, be it my tiny moleskin or my big poetry notebook. I always have something to keep track of my little... lets just call them inclinations... obsessions.... hmmm...

I'm trying to get back to my place, but this office... its censoring me!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Reflections on revisions....

Writing feels good. It just simply does.

I've mostly just been editing these past few days, brushing up on language here and there, snipping up my poems, prepping them and making them pretty for my upcoming submissions. Some reflections on editing...

"The willingness, the ardent desire even, to revise, separates the poet from the person who sees poetry as therapy or self expression." Richard Tillinghast

Poems are never really finished. I think we only put poems away to brush up and improve on later. :) Its a good thing, though. A work is never finished, just abandoned! So this weekend for me is just about revisiting my recent works, and making them just a little bit better.

Wish me luck!

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Realization

I came to a realization last night.

I've always been the type of person who, when I want something, I get it. I've never been one to put things off, to delay, to hesitate, to wait on anyone or anything.

I don't like the way my stomech rolls over my jeans; therefore, I exercise and eat right.

I didn't like the person I was becoming in my job; so, I changed careers.

I want to be a writer. I want to graduate with my MFA and go on to teaching. But why am I delaying? Why am I letting the hum drum of life take over? Why do I always have an excuse as to why NOT to practice, why NOT to publish, why NOT to continue taking classes?

The truth is that I simply don't have an excuse, only flimsy ideas I like to call reasons. Ok, maybe I'm a little bit afraid but Katie, you're a big girl now and it's time to jump over this metaphorical hurrdle and just straddle life, and become the person I want to be creatively.

I've done it physically, I've done it professionally, now I just need to work on my creative touch.

I can do this :-) And I have a renewed ambition. I WILL do this, no more excuses, no more reasons. If I've learned anything in my twenty-two years of being alive, its that persistance and hard work will always pay off. I've never let myself down, and I'm not going to start with this.

So my game plan?

Writing one hour a day. No excuses! I will make time. I made time to hit the gym, and journal what I eat everyday. Its ridiculous that I can make time for these things, and not for my writing. Where are my priorities? I'd rather sit on farmville sometimes :-D

Publish. I will submit work once every two weeks, preferably once a week but at least once every two weeks. And I'm starting with Touchstone today!

Katie... you can do this if you just keep at it. Without a full portfolio of work and publications, I'll go nowhere. I can have all the experience in the world, but I just need to have my ass at my chair and my fingers on the keyboard.

Its just that simple!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

An exercise with my shadow

Just a free write here...

My shadow's name is Jane. She likes to watch.

She hates the way I lay before him - much unlike a pretty flower
waiting to be plucked from the earth, carried away, and placed
in some little jar of water to rot.

No, Jane hates the way I lay before him, like a subject
inanimate without the predicate.

Jane hates me because I don't throw him to the ground
grab my destiny in my hands
Instead I wait for him to give it to me.
Jane thinks I'm just a slave
for his pleasure. She hates it
when his lips touch mine.
She hates it when he reaches
deep inside of me, how his tongue
passes through my hot lips. Jane
especially hates it when I wrap
my arms around his horizontal body,
and when I run my hands through
his musty manly hair. She hates
the feeling I get when he whispers
to me in my ear - the warmth between
us - she tells me its just sex and that I'm nothing
but his cheaply bought whore.
But when I'm feeling his breath
steaming on my neck - I don't hear her. I close
my eyes so I don't see her -
but she still watches me as I wait
for him to reach just a little further into my existance
and when he finally touches- with one motion -
Jane looks away.
She doesn't see my eyelids
wrinkle, my body shiver. No,
She can't watch because by now
its too late. I'm already his and my shadow
disappears somewhere into the moonlight.
I don't see her again until long after
he's kissed my forehead and held me
into the morning's virgin hours.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Shadow

"Look hard at what pleases you and harder at what doesn't" -Colette

How can a poet dive down in into the depths of something ugly, instead of splashing in it? I think the real challenge is writing about something terrible in a beautiful way.

Ahhh... I'm just trying to improve my writing here. I had a no show this morning and thought it was my responsiblity to take this little tidbit of time to dwell on an idea that I've been baking for awhile.

I'm a person who lives by feelings, not ideas. I follow my heart and not my mind. I try to live by this, and now... if only I could come full circle, and have my writing filled with duende. Ahh... yeah that'll be the day :-)

I think this is an idea that I need to dwell on more... I'll be back to write more... I promise.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Buttterflies on my windshield

Do butterflies have hearts?

I live in the midst of a butterfly migration route. At about this time every year, butterflies of all kinds paint the landscape - filling the breeze with tiny flaps of their wings. I always notice them when I'm driving, and because I think the universe revolves around me, I always take their passing as some kind of personal sign. Maybe I'm driving along with them, following the wind like they do. Maybe their crashing into my windshield, and I feel like God is trying to stop me in my tracks, sacrificing His little bursts of beauty to tell me something truly profound. Or maybe - and this is the idea I've been playing with this migration, maybe - I'm following my heart, listening to a calling within myself, like a butterfly.

And then -smack- one meets its demise on my windshield, fluttering hopelessly, beating its wings just a few last times as it sails onto the hot pavement called Ware Rd. I close my eyes, no God, I don't want to see these little creatures die in pursuit of a yearning. No God - these butterflies are the ultimate romantics; they are the martyrs of their own tiny insect hearts.

Can we learn something from the butterfly? Or is it more like a warning?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Preoccupation...

Ah being busy...

It's a good thing.

I just got back from a conference in San Antonio, and being away from the peace of a simple pad of paper and pen - well, it can be disheartening. My mind's been elsewhere, and thus - I have produced no poetry. Students flow through my office, in and out. It gives me a great feeling of accomplishment to help them, they vent to me, get their frustrations off their chests, and I help solve their problems. Its a good thing. With deadlines looming of my own, though, sometimes I wish for a simple reprive. Right now I have one :-) My 4:00 is a no show.

I've had this interesting obsession lately. My shadow, who is she? My dark side? My opposite? Who is that secret voice in the back of my head, that doubt, that skeptic that makes me only 99% a hopeless romantic. Who is she, and what does she see me as? How do I look in my shadow's eyes? Is my shadow disappointed in the decisions I've made, in my attitude, in my actions? In other words, what does my shadow see in me that I fail to?

Sometimes through exploring ourselves, we can happen upon something truly profound. I'll tell you when/if that happens...

Thoughtfully busy...

Katie