Warning: I'm about to get melodramatic!
But I always do that, don't I? :D
Anyway, I think I'm just getting used to the fact that self-doubt never really goes away. It doesn't matter how many books I've published that nobody reads, how many useless degrees I've collected, or even how well-read I am, I'm always going to doubt my abilities as a writer.
That's kind of depressing, isn't it?
I had one of THOSE kind of days yesterday. See, now that I'm off of work, I expect a lot more of myself, creativity wise. The past few days I've been reading through my novel manuscript making notes for myself as to what to change and how to go about this enormous task of revising it. I took a step back from my work in the afternoon and just felt this immense lull of doubt, this urge to quit.
This sucks, Katie.
And, well, YEAH, it does suck. My first draft is shitty. But aren't most first drafts? Isn't that what I teach my students, that being a writer ISN'T about bursts of brilliance but perserverance, hard work, sweat, and, well, tears. Gwahhhhh.
But it's hard to wrap the head around sometimes, when you're knee deep in bad sentences and shallow characters.
For some reason, yesterday, I just couldn't get out of my funk.
Today's a new day. I slashed my novel up, cut out that 10% of it that really, really sucked. I started working on a new short story. I thought about poems. I spent a lot of time reading.
Each day's a struggle. Self-doubt never goes away. In fact, I think, for me, anyway, it's getting more intense because I expect more of myself now than I did, oh, say, 2009 when I started this blog. I wonder how much other writers struggle with this. Maybe it's just something we don't talk about. But anyway, I like being naked, so here I am, talking about it.
Being a writer is damn hard work, both mentally and emotionally. It comes with these crazy ups and downs, and certainly, no guarantees. Sometimes, being a writer really really sucks, and sometimes I think about throwing in the towel and picking up a more reasonable passion, like surfing Pinterest and making crafty do-dads all day. :-P
I'll get through this funk, though. I always do!