Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Katie's many fears.

Things that scare me:

1. A PhD - because it means the end of the road, that there's nothing left to teach me and if by that point i'm not brilliant then... well... I'm officially a dunce.

2. The GRE - MUST SCORE 700 MUST SCORE 700... stupid powerprep software is depressing me :( all the sudden I feel very very dumb.

3. Rejection letters that tumble in daily, though now I've learned to just delete them

4. My thesis, which piles up and gets bigger every day. I don't know how to break it down into bite sized pieces of work, and time is tick ticking away.

5. My professors. They're smart, confusing, and completely unhelpful at times. Ok, I'm a big girl and should take more responsiblity for my own education - yes I get the point.

6. Driving on the expressway. Nuff said.

7. Being in a big city, getting mugged, walking around at night, getting lost, missing the bus, crying in public... yeah, all stuff I will likely do.

8. Meeting new people, and not knowing what to say to them - so awkwardly hugging them.

9. My second job, which stinks at times but is wonderfully beautiful too.

10. Life, in general. It's big.

11. Anything unknown, which is like everything for me at the moment, including what I'm going to eat for dinner.


What I vow to do with these fears:

get them down on paper, crumple them up, and throw them in the trash. My fears will NOT keep me from becoming the person I know I need to be.

Ah... ok so confesison time, I'm kind of getting ready for my regularly scheduled nervous breakdown. I feel like everything's just piling up on my chest, closing in. Gwah I'm going to vomit.

I'll get through this - one way or another. Bruno had some good advice for me in regards to the whole PhD application process thingamajiggie - to apply for jobs, too. Because - maybe I really am too young, naive, and inexperienced to take on this monumental task. Maybe a few years in the workforce (academia, of course) will do me a bit of good.

I mean, my wisdom teeth haven't even grown in yet. LoL. Another fear - them ruining my lovely smile.

On a lighter note - while I am completely a nervous wreck over driving there, I will be heading out to San Antonio on Friday for El Mundo Zurdo :D I will meet new people (like my editor who is kind of my hero) and no, I will not run up to them and hug them like the naive valleyite I've become.

Also, I've been writing. Yes, yes I have : ) And it's good stuff, too! I think... anyway. Ah... maybe a bit of stress is good for the creative juices.

Maybe. But probably not.

Ok nuff for today :D I've officially ranted.

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