So Maybe Yesterday WASN'T the Worst Day of My Life


so yesterday morning I was bummed out about that AWP thing.

I opened the email (it had been filtered by my spam filter thingie), and I already knew before having to read it that we didn't get in. But I was still wild hopeful, scanning the message, and then - sure enough, there was the most hated word in the entire dictionary, "unfortunately".

And after reading that, I closed the email. Damn!

But you know what?

I wasn't all that bothered! I mean, initially, yes. But I got over it remarkably quickly. You know what I think it is? I'm already moving on to the next thing. I've got my mind on PhD's and the job market. I'm getting nervous for thesis/graduation. I'm trying to work out every little detail in my head. Somewhere during the summer, my gears have shifted a bit. I'm no longer so focused on publishing (although, let's face it, I always will be) and conferences, but now I'm feeling the itch to make the next professional step.

And it is scaring the living daylights out of me. I know it will be 10 months before I walk that line at graduation (and in those ten months I must slap together a thesis!), so there are so many unknowns there. And let's say that everything goes smoothly, thesis gets defended, and I graduate. Then what?

Job? Am I going to be able to be a professor? How about a lecturer? CAN I at least adjunct in the evenings to build up some experience? Will I have to apply again at public high schools (which, wouldn't be that bad because I could make some mad cash with a master's degree)???

And let's say that THAT goes smoothly. Let's say I do get a job. Then what? The next step is to work on getting that PhD, which would mean moving, which would mean another job search for me AND brubru, and and and buy a new house, and leave my family behind and buy cat carriers to move all of my cats and and and and and that's IF I even get accepted somewhere... and what about Texas Tech online and and and and

see. there's so much what if's and maybes, so many unknowns coming up in the next ten months. Decision time and grow up time is just around the corner, Katie. And can I afford to let AWP get me down? No. I need to keep pushing on.

OH... so why was yesterday NOT the worst day of my life? Well, I got my contributor copy of Borderlands: Texas Poetry Review in the mail. YAY! The mag is really beautiful, and it looks uber professional. I feel honored to be a part of it. I'm probably the biggest loser published there, but that's ok. I'm only 23. (someday my age will no longer be an excuse for my loserdome, but whatever, let's worry about that when it comes.)